Me

I am finally able to write another post! This is exciting! The baby is sitting next to me in his bouncy seat listening to country music with me happily amusing him self. Who knows how long it will last for...

There is so much I want to write about I don't know where to begin. PPD (Post Partum Depression) is good place to start. Ever since I had my son, I have not been feeling like myself. I cried a lot in the weeks following his birth (I am told this is normal due to the surge of hormones going through my body) but in the last few weeks, I have never felt so down, depressed, or hopeless in my life. Sometimes I don't feel connected to him but feel I am just a food source. I don't think I am or was ready for motherhood, which is strange considering all I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mother or so I thought. I am 26 years old, by no means too young to be a mother. I just feel that I haven't lived enough.

I have lost my independence, my body and my "me" time. I don't live near any support network being a military "wife" read fiancé. I am getting help for my PPD I am going to a support group and seeing a counselor. But seeing a counselor once every 2-3 weeks isn't enough for me. Having a baby has forced me to deal with several issues that have come to a head since having him. Both my parents, (who are divorced and its 2 totally separate issues with each parent) and 2 separate siblings. (I have 3, one we all need to deal with due to a substance abuse problem.)

I am angry all the time and I don't want to be. I don't want my son to grow up with an angry mother. I want him to be happy and know that he is loved. I think blogging is a good outlet for me, but I never seem to have time to write or convey what I am really thinking. I think of my best posts while I am lying in bed at night, but my posts never seem to come out as eloquently as they sound in my head.

I think to help with my PPD I need to set realistic goals for myself that are achievable. In my support group we have to do one thing for ourselves during the week. I said I would exercise, which has been shot to shit because I got sick with a lovely cold/flu which hit me smack in the middle of the weekend. A short term goal for me is to blog at least once a week. And to exercise once a week, be it a run, going to the gym or yoga. Next week my goal is to go to yoga at least once. Now that I typed it, I am committed to it.