10 years ago today...

I was 16. And I am remember this day very clearly as I got my drivers license on June 30th, 1998. I can't believe how fast 1o years has flown bye. And oddly enough I remember the events (or most of them) of today pretty clearly. Oddly enough I had my road test at the same time as a close friend, I passed, she failed therefore I wasn't able to celebrate at the DMV because she was so down. Instead of driving home with my driving instructor I ended up going home with said friend and her mom (who followed her to the DMV as her road test was with the same driving school I was in, and her mom wanted to be there in case she failed.) My dad picked me up from her house and I picked up another friend and went on my first adventure by myself to the beach! It was only later that night after dropping everyone off at their places that I realized I was driving by myself for the first time! I was a little freaked out, but made it home alive.

And here I am 10 years later on a day just as hot, a day which I did not drive or go to the beach. Instead my partner did the driving and I got a CT scan instead. Oh how much has changed in 10 years.

Why I love Tim McGraw

This is why I love Tim McGraw! Did I mention I was a country music loving Grey's Anatomy addicted Canuck who is secretly American at heart. (I'm half American.) And to think I considered going to this concert as it's near Seattle WA and I am only a few hours from Seattle. (But I didn't think taking 12 week old infant was a smart thing to do.) It can also be viewed on Youtube here.

Co-Sleeping

Is a controversial topic to most people, parents and non-parents in my opinion; to each their own. It doesn't work for me. Before Aaron was born I knew I didn't want to do it because it wasn't a habit that I wanted to have to break him of later on in life. The 1st night in the hospital he was in the little clear bassinet all swaddled on his back. We were only in the hospital one night. The second night home I laid in the guest with him all.night.long. Because all he wanted to do was nurse as my milk hadn't come in and I way to tired after 42.5 hours of labor to sit up and feed him. Needless to say I was a zombie the next day.

On his third night of life, I got the idea to sleep him swaddled in the horseshoe shaped breast feeding pillow. This lasted about 2 weeks. He would sleep in the bed with me, in his own area. Being a new mom, I wanted to be able to see him in the middle of the night. Eventually he was put in the bassinet next to me after I got over not having to see him and settled on hearing him. (We were sleeping with a night light.) This lasted maybe 2 weeks, I was very sleep deprived as I am a light sleeper and every little grunt or snore would wake me up. Especially an hour before he would wake up for his next feed he would be grunting and squealing and it kept me up. When he was about a month old I moved his bassinet to his own room, where he still currently sleeps but in his stroller. How did we arrive to this you might wonder? He was always inclined a little in his bassinet (me being afraid he may choke on his own vomit, silly new mother mistake) and then we went on a road trip and used his stroller as a bed and my son got used to sleeping on an incline. So when we came home and he would only do 2 hours in his bassinet it was back to his stroller because he will do up to 6 hour sleep stretches sometimes 7! So I am not one to mess with that! But now that Aaron is 13.5 lbs I think that he needs to get used to sleeping on his back because he is getting to be a big boy and will be ready for his crib soon.

As for co-sleeping when I was pregnant my sister said "Wait and see till your a mother, you'll do anything to sleep yourself." (She co-slept with her 3 kids and had a hell of a time breaking 2 of them.) Now that I am a mom I wish I could co-sleep with my son, but I can't sleep with him next to me I will often side nurse him at night but put him back in his room when he is done. I wish I could so I could have more of a bond with Aaron but I just don't sleep well with him in bed with me. (My fiancé is currently sleeping in the guest room due to a hacking cough he has at the moment, in case you are wondering where his sleeping arrangements fit in.)

Some how I feel odd that I am not able to co-sleep with my baby and that I am missing out but I don't know what I can do to make it work so I see it as one habit of not breaking him of. I still usually wake up right before he does because my mommy clock is in tune with him. I wear him as much as I can and I will nap with him during the day in bed, some how I can sleep like this but not deeply and in the mornings often I will wheel his stroller in the room as it is darker in our room and he sleeps longer this way.

Do you co-sleep with your baby?

Inspired Post

I could write about my latest meltdown, or my post partum depression, or recent visit from my in-laws that was cut short, but I would rather write about a lighter subect on baby slings. This post has been inspired by this blog that I read.

Currently I am trying to decide on a sling/carrier for my almost 3 month old son Aaron. I have at the moment 5 carriers/slings in the house. I am turning into a carrier whore. I started off with a Snugli I used a few times with my niece last year, followed by a Baby Bjorn. Neither which provide good support for me and I've been told that baby carriers that support babies by their crotch isn't good for their spines (not that I've researched this or had time to.) I then got a Momo Sling (ring sling) which is great but it has a lot of fabric and I find it bulky.

This week my dad got me a Hotsling, which the one time we've really used it I loved it. I need to re-watch the DVD and try him in the different holds. He was sleeping the one time I used it, but I want to try it with him awake. He likes facing outwards in the Baby Bjorn. I really want a carrier which is comfy for me the wearer and Aaron. So now enters an Ergo carrier that I am currently borrowing from La Leche League, so far he hasn't taken to it nor has he the Hotsling as when I try in it when he's awake he just screams... I am hoping I am catching on a bad moment. Because I just want to wear him when were out and not have him make a fuss. Plus I would like to be able to breastfeed him when we're out without sitting down somewhere. So I am thinking it will probably come down to a Beco or an Ergo. I don't have a Beco in my possession but have used my friends and we both loved it. The downside of the Beco is that the designs tend to air on the girly side and the 4th Generation Beco has been discontinued and I haven't heard good things about the Butterfly Beco, but I haven't tried it. The Ergo so far I like it. I just need to get Aaron to like it. And on the plus side Daddy can where him in it too. And Daddy wouldn't be caught dead in anything girly.

Well this post shall be wrapped up. Aaron is in bed for his 11pm bedtime (a time I am not crazy about, but he's stuck on it for the moment) which means its my bedtime too. If I were normal I would be able to co-sleep with my son, but because I am such a light sleeper it just doesn't work for me. That is something I would like to blog about soon. And my new love BOB which I just want to have but can't bare to spend the money on.

Today

For once I feel that I actually accomplished a lot while my son had his 3 hour nap. Usually I sleep especially since I have been pegged with a nasty cold/flu/sore throat combo and haven't been able to rest properly.

In no particular order I went the store, washed my car, detailed upholstery in my car, got a shag in, cleaned the bathroom to bottom and did a load of laundry. To most accomplished housewives, this is probably nothing. But for me, this is a miracle. (The in-laws are coming tomorrow so this may be what really lit the fire under my ass)

Me

I am finally able to write another post! This is exciting! The baby is sitting next to me in his bouncy seat listening to country music with me happily amusing him self. Who knows how long it will last for...

There is so much I want to write about I don't know where to begin. PPD (Post Partum Depression) is good place to start. Ever since I had my son, I have not been feeling like myself. I cried a lot in the weeks following his birth (I am told this is normal due to the surge of hormones going through my body) but in the last few weeks, I have never felt so down, depressed, or hopeless in my life. Sometimes I don't feel connected to him but feel I am just a food source. I don't think I am or was ready for motherhood, which is strange considering all I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mother or so I thought. I am 26 years old, by no means too young to be a mother. I just feel that I haven't lived enough.

I have lost my independence, my body and my "me" time. I don't live near any support network being a military "wife" read fiancé. I am getting help for my PPD I am going to a support group and seeing a counselor. But seeing a counselor once every 2-3 weeks isn't enough for me. Having a baby has forced me to deal with several issues that have come to a head since having him. Both my parents, (who are divorced and its 2 totally separate issues with each parent) and 2 separate siblings. (I have 3, one we all need to deal with due to a substance abuse problem.)

I am angry all the time and I don't want to be. I don't want my son to grow up with an angry mother. I want him to be happy and know that he is loved. I think blogging is a good outlet for me, but I never seem to have time to write or convey what I am really thinking. I think of my best posts while I am lying in bed at night, but my posts never seem to come out as eloquently as they sound in my head.

I think to help with my PPD I need to set realistic goals for myself that are achievable. In my support group we have to do one thing for ourselves during the week. I said I would exercise, which has been shot to shit because I got sick with a lovely cold/flu which hit me smack in the middle of the weekend. A short term goal for me is to blog at least once a week. And to exercise once a week, be it a run, going to the gym or yoga. Next week my goal is to go to yoga at least once. Now that I typed it, I am committed to it.